My Encounters With Trenchcoat Man

I guess I had been leaving later than I thought, as I haven't seen Trenchcoat Man in quite sometime. Until yesterday. Trenchcoat Man was back in all his glory - well, sans trench coat. But I could recognize that Carmen San Diego Hat and beard anywhere!

So what's been going on in the life of Trenchcoat Man? Well, what a killer beige/brown three piece suit he wore yesterday! I don't often see a man wearing a three-piece suit throughout my day - apparently, us Gen X-ers don't really believe in dressing up for work either... you know, khakis, polo... Business Casual - if you would. Trenchcoat Man? All Business. Suitcoat, vest - the whole shebang. He was mighty fancy.

Just as I assume my usual seat on the train - Trenchcoat Man gets on two stops before our stop, and takes his normal place standing in front of the door, Express in hand. The shame in my excitement? I was so psyched to see him again - writing furiously in my notebook for notes, I missed the point where he would have folded his paper and slapped it into his hand. I'm sorry, I just was so excited!

As we approach our stop, Trenchcoat Man was ready as ever to leave the train. As usual, the doors open and he rushes out the train before anyone else. Up the esalator and out of my life he went. Again.

On the second leg of my ride home... I encountered this:



This has gotta be some study. Can I be an observer? Read more...

Why I Need My Vacation

In 14 days and oh... I guess 10 hours... Husband and I will be going on vacation. We have a beach "house" (more like an efficiency) for a week. I'm beginning to realize that this vacation will not only be a luxury - this vacation is a necessity. Why a necessity?

Have you ever felt that you were teetering on the edge of sanity? I felt that yesterday on the train ride home.

After a 10 hour day, I just want quiet on the train ride home. You would like to believe that most commuters on the train have just finished a long day and would like to be quiet also. But no. There's always that one person. And that one person yesterday, was conveniently sitting right next to me.

When riding the metro underground, the only cell phone provider that has service is Verizon - conveniently, this bitch had Verizon. Phone rings, LOUD.

"HALLO?!"

It has begun. This woman kept yapping for a good five minutes. YAP YAP YAP YAP like a fucking Shih Tzu in your ear. But then she hung up. It was nice and quiet. I was enjoying my crossword (which was tough yesterday!) and my music. But then it happens again.

"HALLO?!"

Are ya fuckin' kidding me?! There's a good 15 minutes left on this train ride. YAP YAP YAP YAP. Bitch wouldn't shut up. My blood was beginning to boil. People on the train were giving her the glances, but apparently, she was completely oblivious to the social cues! I've turned my head to look at her a number of times as well, but I just can't bring myself to say anything. But it gets worse...

Two stops away from being home free, this guy gets on. He is listening to some obnoxious rap song, on his cell phone for the entire train to hear. And where does he sit? Oh yeah... to the other side of me. So on one side I have this asshole's music and on the other I've got the yapping of a Shih Tzu. I had to close my eyes and go to a happy place... try to find my happy face.

As my eyes were closed, I pictured myself ripping the cell phone from that woman's hands, throwing it down on the ground and stomping on it. Then, I visioned punching the music man straight in the face. It's not often that I have violent visions like that.

Had the train continued for maybe another 5 minutes, I probably would have reacted in a negative manner towards that woman (thankfully, the rap star had exited the train already). Teetering on this edge can't be healthy for me - which is why this vacation is a necessity. I am afraid for the person the pushes my button way too hard - and not in a good button-pushing way.

So I've rambled quite a bit on this one, but I needed to get this off my chest.

May you all have an annoying-free weekend. I have already started mine.

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My Evening: A Four Act Play

Most of this was written yesterday, the evening occurred two nights ago, now. It's a long play, for my favorite part, skip to Act 4. But I definitely had an interesting evening the other night.

Act 1. The First Train

It was a balmy 70 degrees when I left work. I caught my usual train in my usual spot. At the usual stop, I expect to see trench coat man. As expected, TM arrives in his usual spot - without his trench coat!! Donned in a 3-piece suit and his Carmen San Diego hat, TM carried his suitcoat and fanned his face with his hat. Oh, TM, how are you going to survive the summer?! Doug, May was way off as a guess. It should be noted, that he was without leather gloves the prior day.

Act 2. The Second Train

The second train, as usual, was a little more crowded. But I managed to find a seat behind 3 loud "suits". One suit was standing, holding onto the rail behind my head. Clearly, having no regard for the notion of personal space, he moved freely along with the movement of his conversation - all the while, I was moving to avoid his flying elbow.

During my game of Dodge Elbow with the suit, there's a man in the seats next to me. An odd fellow, he sat on the outside seat, preventing anyone else from taking the spare seat. Side note: I hate that. So my coworker and I continue our conversation, and all of a sudden we hear a very distinct fart sound. We stop talking - I glance over - and odd fellow is wringing his hands making fart sounds... Seriously? I start laughing. I make eye contact with the guy standing between me and odd fellow, and he starts laughing. And then? Odd fellow makes the fart noise, again!

Act 3. The Shuttle

The shuttle is usually nice and quiet. People are usually courteous with their phone calls, but I've never really heard anyone's music from their ear phones. Until yesterday. First you hear the hi-hats and the claps - but then, the combo of the shuttle being to quiet and the music being so loud, I hear the whole song:

Now - I can usually handle that song in moderation, but when you hear it through someone else's earphones, you can't hear words - just the repetitive melody - and that's rough. The song ends... thank God. Wait - you're playing it again?! That bitch was on repeat. When we get to my building, I finally get to walk past the source of my torture - and it's a DiscMan! So you're telling me, you're ok with paying around $1,700/month for rent in the "special" building, but you're still rocking the DiscMan?? Wow.

h/t to tecmo for the comic strip generator

Act 4. Dinner

The husband and I decide to go out for dinner. As we're enjoying our dinner, another couple gets sat at the booth behind us. Now, my back is to them so I can't see them. But I can definitely hear... We continue enjoying our meal and conversation until we hear this from the girl:

"How fat did you think I was??"

Now let's pause for discussion:
I think we all know that there is no right answer to this question. If you say, "Well, not really fat,"
You'll get, "Oh, so you did think I was fat."
And if you say, "Oh, not fat at all,"
You'll get, "You're a fucking liar!"

Personally, if I were the guy, I have two options:
1) Back-pedal, then spin. Re-phrase what you had previously said to make her ask that in the first place. But that leaves room for the question to be asked again. I prefer option 2.
2) Get the fuck out. Leave. If she's asking it now - who knows what else the crazy bitch might ask. It's not worth your sanity.

Unfortunately, I didn't hear how he responded, but I did get to check this spectacle out on our way out the door. Now, I don't know how fat she was, but I she was currently carrying a couple of extra pounds on her. And her FP was at a very high level. We laughed about this the whole way home.

Small story to end the night - As we're walking to the car, we notice this couple in a very intense conversation. As the man leaves to his car, the girl goes into the car one over from us and proceeds to cry. Maybe she asked the same question and he said, "Well, pretty fat, actually."

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Update on Trenchcoat Man

Apparently, I've been catching the same train home each night the past two weeks, because for each night of those trips home, Trenchcoat Man (TM - initials, not trademarked) has been on my train. I always get onto the same train car and sit in the same area because it is the closest to the escalator at my transfer stop. Well, it appears that the TM knows this as well - seeing that we've ridden the same train together for two weeks now. Well, TM has a routine, and I've got it down pat:

He gets on the train two stops before we get off. He walks quickly to the door that we walk out of. He always wears the same thing: trenchcoat, leather gloves, Carmen San Diego hat, and a laptop bag - I guess they used to call those briefcases back in the day.

He leans against the pole in front of the door and opens his Express. It's usually up to about the Entertainment section. When the train leaves to get to our stop, he folds the paper in half, folds it in half again, and then slaps the paper in his leather gloved hand. If we haven't made it to our stop yet, he reads the little part that is still seen in his folded paper.

As we approach the platform, he stands directly in front of the doors. Chivalry is dead my friends: Women and children are not allowed off before TM leaves the train. He is always first. Always. As we walk up the escalator, TM does not go up and over to the other side of the platform. TM goes up and out. And then he's gone... Read more...

A Letter to the Annoying Fishwife on the Train Last Week

Dear Annoying Fishwife on the Train last week:
I have understood from your conversations that you are upper management. You appear to be an important woman, I get it. You're important. Although you're an important person at work, you are just an irrelevant cog in the wheel of commuters when you leave your office. Here are some things that the other cogs don't care to hear:

• Your husband's ACL replacement - and his love of golf.
• The meeting you had to have with "those lower level people".
• The fact that you don't like your husband to like golf.

The people you were with seemed to understand the concept of six-inch voices - because I could only hear your part of the conversations.

Look, maybe you caught me on a bad day - No. You didn't. You were loud, annoying, abrasive, condescending, and just downright awful. If you're such an important person, and want to feel so important - drive yourself to work. Don't bother us "lower level people" with your annoying important person drivel.

Thanks!
Me. Read more...

Musings from the Metro Notebook: Requires Future Research

My thought on the train last night as I see this man in a trenchcoat, black leather gloves, and a Carmen Sandiego hat:

I think 60 degree weather is too warm to wear gloves.
That coupled with the trenchcoat makes you look creepy, guy.

Which made me ask this question: Why do raincoats seem so creepy?

I think raincoats/trenchcoats are nice. At least on women. But for some reason, when a man dons a trenchcoat, he inexplicably exudes this ridiculous creepiness.

There are definitely well-known instances in history that I can quickly think of that don't score bonus points for the male trenchcoat. This includes flashers and the "Trench Coat Mafia". But is there anything else? Or a specific reason? To dig further, I went to the internets.

According to Wikipedia's entry on Trench Coats:

The trench coat was developed as an alternative to the heavy serge greatcoats worn by British and French soldiers in the First World War. The trench coat was created by Thomas Burberry, the inventor of gardine fabric, who submitted a design for an army officer's raincoat to the UK War Office in 1901.

Later on, it explains the cool famous people (fictional) that have worn trench coats: Dick Tracy, Mike Hammer, The Phantom, Rick Blaine from Casablanca, and Inspector Clouseau. So, at one point, there was a Trenchcoat Win:


But why the creepy factor? It turns out that the Trench Coat Mafia did not actually wear trenchcoats. They were actually black oilcloth dusters - a trend created from "heavy metal" and "Goth Fashion". Not my words, Wikipedia's. And Wikipedia explains our other creepy factor, but not well:

Trench coats are often associated with the stereotypical flashers and exhibitionists, who wear the coat in public until they "streak" naked through a public area or commit an act of exhibition.

So they've explained the Trenchcoat Fail:

So in my brief lunchtime research - I guess creepy flashers and the TC Mafia have ruined the trench coat and/or raincoat for cool guys like Dick Tracy and any other run of the mill character that likes these coats....

Aside from the TC Mafia, there really wasn't a specific incident that contributed to the coat's creepiness... I guess I already knew... What a pointless lunch!

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Musings from the Metro Notebook: I'll Smack a B.

To the obnoxious man (woman?) who yelled at me on the yellow line last night:

1. I am not a "bitch".
2. I was trying to let you and your 80 Target bags off of the crowded train. But what your self-absorbed mind didn't realize was that there were other people trying to get off of the train, too.
3. I was going to take your seat, yes. But please review #2.
4. You and your 80 Target bags were taking up two seats when over 20 people were standing in the train.
5. I could have learned the words to your shitty Beyonce song that you were listening to so loud.
6. Say it to my face next time. I will smack a bitch.
   

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Crossword Puzzles

I love doing crossword puzzles while I'm on the train. My coworker makes fun of me and says that's what old people do, but that's another story. One time I was doing my crossword on the train, and the older gentleman next to me started helping me. It was helpful... really! I was at the point where I'm on the verge of giving up. He gave me some real helpful hints. Enough so that I basically finished the puzzle. I'm never able to do that.

So. This leads me to my two recent experiences and corresponding questions:

1) The other night, on the train ride home, I was standing up and the older man that was sitting down next to me was working on the crossword puzzle that I had been working on earlier. I noticed that some of his answers were wrong, and he appeared to be stuck on some clues that I had already been able to answer. I kept quiet, but what would you do? Do you help the guy out like the nice gentleman did next to me?? Or is it a different situation, because I'm standing up and in my situation, the gentleman was sitting next me... Which leads me to the next experience...

2) Last night, again on the train ride home, I sat next to a guy that was working on the crossword puzzle of the day. Is it wrong to offer to work together? I mean, I'm sure that if we were working together, I wouldn't have given up as early as I did... Two heads are better than one, right?

Part of me feels as though these situations would be different if I lived in a different area. This metro area is so anonymous (just like my apartment building)... People just buy into this norm of ignoring the people that are near them. I think I probably make eye contact with maybe two people on my train rides to and from work... and often it's when I have to get up for someone as they leave the train...

That last paragraph was kind of a rant.. What do you guys think? Would you have tried a "group work" environment with the crossword puzzle? Or just work on it by yourself? Read more...

Musings from the Metro Notebook, 1

I've started carrying around a notebook so I can write my thoughts down while I'm riding on the train. I tend to get frustrated with the crossword puzzles early, so having the notebook helps me pass time on my trips. The following is the entry I wrote on the way home last night.

Seat Etiquette

I'm a small person (go figure, what with my name and all). Basically, I can squeeze myself onto 3/4 of one seat - if necessary - like say, when a larger person were to sit next to me.

What it does not mean:

If you are carrying two bags, do not assume that I'm going to squish myself against the window so your bag can sit between us. One bag on the floor, one bag on your lap. Simple! In addition, if you want to rifle through your bag, put it on your lap. Rifling through your bag only pushes me further into the window.

You, sweetheart, have now elbowed me 3 times on a ten minute train ride. Next time, I will elbow back.

And I hope you are reading this as I write. I see you peering over my shoulder. Maybe it will teach you to be conscious of your fellow passengers. Read more...

Another Morning List

Things That Make Me Smile on the Metro in the Morning:

• The man who gives me my paper.
• When it sounds like the train announcer guy likes his job.
• When the person next to me doesn't smell like mothballs (not today though!!)
• Tony Bennett in the morning.
• Jack Johnson in the morning.
• Walking through an awesome snowfall on my way into work.
  

Read more...

A Morning List

Gross and/or Annoying Things on the Train into Work:

• Grease spot on the window - undoubtedly from someone's hair.
• Loud burp from the lady standing next to me on the platform. Totally thought it was a dude before I turned around.
• Guy hacking up a lung behind me.
• Burp lady playing games on her cell phone with the volume way up.

I really need to re-consider not listening to my iPod in the morning. Read more...

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Daddy, when I was at school, I heard mommy talking to me in my heart.

I overheard this statement from a young little girl on the train ride home last night. It was a comment that was overheard by many in the crowded train. Looking around, I saw most people smiling, something that is rare on the many metro rides home. You can jump to a number of conclusions in regards to what the little girl was talking about (eg. where is her mom?), but just the raw, sincerity in this little girl's voice - and how seriously she explained this feeling that she had warmed my heart in the most comforting way. All the irritating people and circumstances from my day vanished. That's a good little girl right there.

Read more...